First Conversations - 4th Trimester Project

You may have shared the news of your pregnancy with others or maybe you made the decision to keep it to yourself for a while. But now you have been given the news that your child is no longer with you. Hearing and feeling the words that your child no longer has a heartbeat can leave a huge void. The first priority should be to take care of your needs. Sharing the news of your loss with family, friends and other health care providers is not an easy task. Being prepared for these first conversations can help make them easier and help you to build a village to help you during this time.

Sharing your Loss with Family/Friends

There are several ways to share the news of your loss. Some find that it is easiest to share the news in person with a very select group of individuals. These may be your best friends or close family members – these are the individuals that you find it easiest to talk to about difficult situations. They can help to provide immediate support to you and help you to make major decisions during this time. They can also be in charge of sharing the news with others. It may be easier to write out a message about your loss. Having the ability to put your thoughts on paper and distance yourself from initial reactions can allow you to share with others without having to help them through the grieving process at the same time. Writing a message and giving it to the trusted friend is also a way for you to share the news without having to be involved.

Preparing for the reactions

Be prepared for various reactions from family members and friends. They may not know how to respond or what to say. They will also be working through the grief process after they have been given this information. Some may respond with silence, while others may respond with clichés to downplay the grief. These responses are generally an attempt to accept the grieving process. Try to remain open and be honest about your feelings.

Here are some quotes from other moms on how they shared their stories. Additional quotes can be found at Unspoken Grief.

There’s no easy way – you just have to be calm, but direct. I always just said, “My baby passed away” and leave it at that, and usually people would go quiet and then apologize – it was just another painful part of the process that one goes through following this terrible loss. I am sorry that you are going through it. You will notice that there are some folks though, that will be more supportive than others and do show that they care. – Cambion, (Unspoken Grief)

My loss was before today’s technology infusion. I had someone else tell my boss in person, along with a write-up announcement to send as an intra-office memo. I screened calls and had a sign outside the front door of the house with a pad of paper and pens next to a box for notes. The sign said something along the lines of, “we thank you for thinking of us, but are not ready to open our door for visitors. Please feel free to leave us a note which we will read when we have the strength.” – Rachel, (Unspoken Grief)

My husband, who is less emotional and prone to crying than me, did a lot. – Tawyna, (Unspoken Grief)

Telling my family wasn’t as hard as my first day back to work with 17 other women pregnant and everyone excited to hear news. I posted a message on Facebook so most knew before I got to work and although each hug helped it also brought tears which made me think I would never get through my 12 hour shift in the NICU caring for everyone else’s babies. I bought a necklace. And had posted the meaning of it. It was made out of hammered silver to signify the difficulties and hard times that losing our baby caused. It wrapped around like arms encircling a bead like a mom holding her baby. And the gem was the babi’s original due date. Because i never had an ultrasound picture or anything tangible it was helpful to be able to touch my necklace whenever I was thinking of baby. Every time a family asked if I had children on the inside my heart would break but I would respond not yet. Someone suggested saying I have one in heaven but I didn’t feel this was appropriate for a level three ICU where these babies were also struggling for their lives. I brought the journal I had started for baby and when I was having a hard time I would write down all of my feelings. Why did I lose my baby I was so prepared to have a baby….I had been planning and working on getting off meds to be able to conceive safely for over a year I wanted my baby so badly it wasn’t fair. Then I had each family member write a note to baby and finally was able to put the journal away on our bookshelf. – Katie, (Unspoken Grief)

Sharing your Loss with your Health Care Team

Your health care team has been with you since the day that you found out that you were pregnant. They know your pregnancy story and the path that you have walked to create this new life. Learning about the loss of your child and how they can support you is important to them. Depending upon the type of loss, your obstetrical team may or may not have been a part of your birth. Medical records about your delivery will be given to them but this may not occur in a timely manner. This delay could mean that you are the first to tell your medical provider about your loss. Having a plan for that day could be helpful. Consider having a support person with you to make and attend follow-up appointments. It may be helpful to schedule these appointments in the early morning or late afternoon to avoid difficult conversations with other moms and families if you are not ready to have them.

The Postpartum Visit section has additional tips on preparing to see your health care provider.

Websites with Resources that can Help

Books to Consider:

Though the Darkness Gather Round: Devotions about Infertility, Miscarriage, and Infant Loss by Mary Elizabeth Hill Hanchey (Editor), Erin McClain (Editor)
Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse
In A Heartbeat by Dawn Siegrist Waltman
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
Laughter in the Wind by Donna Myers Truns

Topics in Loss

Footer