Topics in My Friends & Family
The needs and unpredictability that come along with infant and self-care in the 4th Trimester often changes relationships among friends. This can be especially true for those who are not parents and may be excited but not fully be able to understand the challenges of recovery and baby care. Connection among friends may shift to more text or online than in person. A favorite gathering place may change from some place in town to a couch at home! While most friends get it, change can be hard. Some friends may miss each other and the ways they were able to be together. Some friendships may fade, others may be put on hold, and others grow during this time of life.
Some thoughts for for moms and new parents:
Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and ask for support and assistance. Most of them want to be helpful but may not know how. While the first few months with a newborn can be challenging you will get your groove back and spend time with your friends outside the house. Open and honest communication is really important. And sometimes texting / talking on the phone with a friend is just what you need and can easily be paired with holding or feeding your baby.
Here are some tips for people whose friends are new parents:
- Be There for Her – The transition to parenthood and the reality of postpartum life is intense. Needs are high. Early motherhood can be exhausting and lonely. Asking about how she might like support and reaffirming these needs as time goes on is important. We can’t know everything or fix everything, but sometimes the most helpful caring we can do is listening and validating.
- Listen to Her – Listen to hear, not to respond. Be open to her priorities and when she asks for ideas, be thoughtful and direct. The transition to motherhood has a lot of unexpected twists. It’s a vulnerable period in which women’s strengths also shine. Help her see how amazing she is by hearing what she wants to share about her birth story, reflection of pregnancy, and how she is navigating her new reality.
- Stay Connected – Perhaps you don’t feel you have as much in common with her anymore. You might not. Or you may be able to connect on a whole new level. There are new ways to relate to each other. You can know that she receives a lot of unsolicited advice. This can be discouraging and harmful. Read how she feels by looking at her, spending time listening, and knowing that you don’t need to have a solution to everything. Find creative ways to get together. Be willing to go out for a walk, lunch or dinner with baby in tow. There are many opportunities!
- Acts of Service – A “4th Trimester Project” suggestion: Don’t visit a new mother without her indicating that is welcome at that time. When you are there, do what you can to support the family. This caring can be as little as affirming that visiting them as they are is important – no cleaning, no preparing, no changing out of PJs. Confirming that you are interested in being there for them – not having them cater to you – can put everyone at ease. Then ask if there is a written or mental list of things that would be helpful. Little things can bring a lot of happiness. Try to find a way to make her day a little nicer or easier each time you see her.
- Don’t Forget Her Partner – Often overlooked and equally tired make sure to connect with her partner. And if her partner is your best friend apply everything above to him/her/them!
We’ve created a Postpartum Care Plan for others to unite and be there for her, in the ways she needs and wants it the most.
